Dealing with mental health is such a tricky thing. I’ve done it for several years now, and I still cannot get the hang of it. Sometimes I feel completely normal (whatever the hell that is), and sometimes I feel like there is no end to this, no escape, and in a way that my struggle with my mental health will be the end of me. Well, hopefully not, but that’s what it feels like.
It’s tricky, though, because sometimes everything goes really really well in your life. Like, right now, I’m on medication for my mental health issues. I recently graduated from my dream master programme, just curated an exhibition, and I’m getting good feedback in my PHD search. Yet, I feel so numb to it all. There is a little voice in my head that is telling me to feel stronger about it all. Happier. More excited. Etc, etc. Yet all I feel is just, tired. I feel very tired of waking up one day with no will to leave my bed. I feel tired of putting up a façade for my family and friends, so they won’t pester me with a million questions about how I’m feeling. I feel tired of failing to keep up with my friends and getting that feeling of my stomach crunching up whenever I remember that I forgot to respond to their latest text, or voicemail, or call. I feel tired of tiring to think of someone to call and talk to when I feel really low, even though there are a lot of people who would be willing to talk to me whenever I call them.
I also feel tired of being afraid that people will call me spoiled. Because from outside, my life looks pretty good, actually. I’m doing things, achieving things. I am actually proud of myself, too. But in my inner world, I feel like there is this black hole that is sucking up all the good things I’m feeling. Like it’s collecting all my achivements, all the good moments, all the compliments people give me, or I give myself, and leaves me with this numb, hollow, unhappy interior I have to carry with me. And it’s just so fucking tiring.
But sometimes it all disappears. The black hole, the numb feeling. And I feel good, and really happy, and grateful for everything I managed to accomplish and all my friends who are there for me and I feel like I can do anything. It literally (and quite cheesily) feels like I’m at the top of the world and the possibilities are endless. But the tricky part is that, I don’t know how I’m going to feel like when I wake up in the morning. Am I going to be really happy, or really really depressed? And this is where it gets really tiring. Trying to guess, trying to plan my life around how my brain decides to act that day. It’s just endless.
I really don’t know what the solution to this is, either. Therapy? Been there, done that. Medication? Currently giving that a try. Doesn’t really feel like it’s working, but I hope it will, eventually.